Alternate Ending to "May Day"
by baby jen
Summary: What the title says :) Please R&R!!


AN: This is an alternate ending to 'May-Day'. (The one where Carter is confronted about his Drug Problem.)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own these guys-but I will say one thing-Michael Crichton is one lucky son-of-a-gun!!  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Show us your wrists!!"  
  
"...you know what, forget it!"  
  
"This is your only chance Carter!"  
  
"Fine-I quit!!"  
  
Carter storms out of the room. The five doctors stare at eachother in silence before Donald Anspugh broke it.  
  
"Well-is that it?"  
  
They glanced at eachother uncertain before Carter's Mentor-Peter Benton-spoke up.  
  
"No-that's not it!!"  
  
+++++++++++++++  
  
Peter walked out into the hall heading for the doctor's lounge expecting to find Carter packing his things. He opened the door...it was empty.  
  
*Where the hell is he?* thought Peter.  
  
He marched out into the Hallway loking around.   
  
"Anyone seen Carter?"  
  
Randi looked up at Benton-chewing her gum-"Yeah-*chomp*he was headed upstairs."  
  
"Did he say anything?"  
  
"WHat do I look like , his secretary? No he just shoved off upstairs."  
  
Benton had a horrible feeling in his stomach. *Nah-not Carter* He pondered a few moments...then he ran.  
  
++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
Benton ran to the roof, burst through the door nearly choking at the sight before him. Carter was stood on the edge, looking like he was ready...to jump.  
  
"Carter-what thye hell are you doing man?"  
  
Silence.   
  
"carter just get down from there man, you don't wanna do this..." Peter approached him.  
  
"Carte..."  
  
"STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!"  
  
Peter froze in his steps. The situation was more serious than he had realised. Carter began to talk.  
  
"*sigh* Do you have any idea how diffcult it is? To have to get up everyday and wlak through the same halls -work in the same damn room that...well it doesn't end there. On the street, In my house, in my dreams-all the time in my f*****g head-All I see, all I think about is *her* lying on the floor in her own blood. Calling to me to help-and I...I just couldn't...  
  
...all day she'd pestered me about that patient. I just didn't make the time-I didn't wanna have to molly coddle her when I had my own patients. I could have made a difference. DAMN-IT, I could have prevented the whole damn thing...sob"  
  
Tears rolled down his face.  
  
"*sigh* you don't know what it's like Doctor Benton, you don't know what it's like to live life enwrapped your own personal hell. A hell you're responsible for....  
  
...I knew I wasn't ready to come back to work. But I didn't have the right to admit to it. I don't deserve to have liberties like that. When the pain in my body, in my mind and...in my heart...got -got too much, I couldn't ask for help I didn't deserve it. So I -well you know what I did, don;t you. I became a f*****g junkie. Sure you ask why I didn't just ask for help or take time off. But-It d-didn't feel right that I should be able to 'take it easy' or'take my time'-Damn it, Lucy's 'time' is over because of me, I didn't have the righ..."  
  
"CARTER, Lucy's death was not because of you!"  
  
Carter turned around.  
  
"Carter, you may think I'm completely unable to understand what you're going through but that isn't true."  
  
Benton paused and closed his eyes.  
  
" Carter-do you really believe that when Denis Gant died that I didn't wonder If was partially responsible?"  
  
"DR Benton, with all due respect-our situations are different. You'll never know if what happened was an accident or not-OR if you even had anything to do with it. But I KNOW-if only I'd have listened to her-if only I'd taken the patient then in all probability-SHE would be alive today."  
  
"Carter-listen to me-Paul Sobreiki killed Lucy-not you."  
  
Carter looked distant and sad. Still standing at the edge he spoke quietly."  
  
"...You know Dr Benton, on some level I think I probably know that....I just don't believe that."  
  
Dr Benton looked at his former student. Even in his student days Carter had always blamed himslef when things went wrong. Hell-Carter beat himself up more that Benton ever did.   
  
"Carter-you're far too hard on yourslef you know."  
  
"You know what Dr Benton-I damn well should be. I survived and she didn't. I don't deserve pity, I don't deserve forgivness and ..."  
  
Carter sat on to the ledge-his back to the street-his body facing Benton.He held his hands to his face and closed his eyes. He didn't even have the strength to complain anymore. Peter looked at his former pupil. He looked tired, he looked sad, he looed helpless...he looked defeated."  
  
"Carter-I know you've through a hell of alot. I understand how you feel. I only have three things to say-and quite frankly they are nothing you don't already know. One, YOU didn't kill Lucy. Two, killing yourself is the coward's way out-and that isn't you Carter. I didn't teach a coward. I taught a young man who was talented and who never gave up. A young man who would always fight the good fight -and take what he had to like a man. Carter-don't you know how much you still have to live for?"  
  
"Live for? What would that be?   
My familly think I've wasted my life as a doctor. My co-workers tip-toe around me like I'm a time bomb. I kil...SOMEONE killed my former student...I can never escape tht pain. Day and night and in my dreams-it's always there. That's why I...why I...oh my ...what HAVE i done?  
I'm a junkie. A no good for nothing drug addict. That's what my life has come to. What the hell would my parents say. Forgive me if I don't see a bright future Dr Benton."  
  
"Carter-Listen to me. It may feel hopeless now-but in all the time I've known you-you were never a quitter. Even when all the odds were stacked up against you -you fought back. Are you really gonna give up now?"   
  
He paused and looked him in the eyes."  
  
"Carter-you're worth more than this."  
  
Peter looked at Carter who was no longer standing by the ledge, but had now walked up to Peter having realised the grave mistake he may have made in jumping.  
  
"Dr Benton. I won't give up on life. That would be the easy way out. I don't deserve such a break. Don't worry-I'm not jumping."  
  
Peter clenched his teeth. *Why is he so difficult*. John spoke again.  
  
"All I wanted to do was keep kunctioning. I wanted to be a doctor-I wanted to help people, I needed the medication to do that. Why is that such a crime? I'm not doing it for a cheap thrill-I'm tying to f******g well make amends!!"  
  
"CARTER-ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO YOURSELF?"   
  
"I'm not killing myself-like I said I don't deserve such a break. I DO want to be a Doctor, I want to help people, but I don't need their damn job!."  
  
Carter began to make his way to the stairs. Benton grabbed his arms.  
  
"Carter are you nuts?? Look at what the drugs are doing to you-they aren't helping they're just hiding the damn problem!! Your're making things worse-creating new problems-listen to yourself-this isn't YOU!"  
  
Benton looked at Carter. Putting his hands on both shoulders.  
  
"Carter-You're getting in that van and going to ATlanta."  
  
"Don't touch me! Don't touch me!!"  
  
Benton looked at his former puil straight in the eyes.  
  
"What is this man. This week phentenol, next you end up dead or worse-like your cousin some babbling gawk in a nursing home..."  
  
*THWACK*  
  
Carter punched his former mentor.   
  
Peter stood taken aback. Then spoke slowly.  
  
"Carter-you wanna fight that's cool man-but either way you going downstairs and getting in that van."  
  
Carter stood there. He was so ashamed...so helplessly ashamed. He felt tired, lost and so desperately depressed. This was'nt who he was. He didn't even recognise himself anymore. The drugs, the guilt-they were destroying himslowly form the inside. Damnit, he needed help. *Shit!-what am i doing?*  
  
He shut his eyes and began to sob. Peter held him-Carter cried against him. He felt crushed and beaten and so desperately unhappy he could barely breath. But he had taken the first step. He knew what he had to do.  
  
An hour later the two men were on a plane-bound for Atlanta. Carter sat there tired, and weak. but in his heart-there was still strength. The strength that seperated John Truman Carter from lesser men. Benathe the despair and the drugs, the anguish and the anxiety-was the same Carter. While his own body and mind were collapsing on him-inside him beat a courageous heart- that wouldn't give up now.  
  
*I may be down* he thought *but I'm not beaten-yet.*  
  
  
  
THE END  
  
Hope you enjoyed-it's an old one. all comments welcome at: a_nameless_surfer@hotmail.com  
  
  



End file.
